Dinner Parties I’ve Ruined
Abstract illustrated face
Modeling Behavior or Not!
Dinner Parties I’ve Ruined
I

imagine everyone grows up with subliminal, or even overt, ideas of what is acceptable at a dinner party. My ideas on this topic undoubtedly emerged from family gatherings, and maybe that’s where I went wrong!

On mother’s side of the family, a great dinner party consisted of singing, dancing, high humor, hard liquor, edgy comments and outfits, and pretty good food. On my father’s side, successful Lindquist reunions included relatively little booze, pretty good food, polite behavior, and the most important element — The Debate.

The Debate could be on any topic that someone chose. The topic really didn’t matter. Anyone above age 10 was expected to participate. We were divided into multi-generational (although no one ever heard of that word) teams –and The Debate began. After about 20 minutes, we were expected to “switch sides.” Not as easy as it sounds, but required, i.e., argue the opposite opinion from the one you’d just put forth.

At the end, the endless analysis of how we’d done individually. (Very little emphasis on how the team worked or didn’t.) Most of the comments were not personal and were intended to foster “intellectual growth” in the younger generations. Unspoken, however, was general disappointment in any participant who “got mad,” was defensive, or refused to accept criticism, just or unjust.

So, there you have it – some of the reasons why I’ve ruined a number of dinner parties. Only a few of which are listed below.

Fortunately, however, this is not a finite list!

Mid century modern illustration of Lutheran seminaries at a dinner party
Setting: Minneapolis, Minnesota
A house dinner party of Lutheran seminarians, their professors, and accompanying wives, of which I was one. Everything was going swimmingly until I thought it was time for The Debate. I introduced what I thought was an innocuous topic: “The Pros and Cons of the 95 Theses written by Martin Luther in 1571.” After all, wasn’t Luther inviting debate??

Duration: About 10 minutes with horrified looks on all faces, except mine. I was having a great time.

Result: Party ended and later, in a private interview, my, no-surprise, ex-husband was warned that I would need a lot of coaching to become an appropriate “pastor’s wife.”

Mid century modern illustration of a dinner party in Boston
Setting: Boston, Massachusetts
Dinner parties all over Boston — where dinner parties and intellectual acumen are de rigueur. Unspoken, however, was the protocol that the topics must be generally “appropriate” or “approved” by the host or hostess. This is code for don’t be a Republican, don’t admit you’re from the mindless Midwest (No one ever heard of the University of Wisconsin apparently), or don’t question or discuss, even theoretically, “inherited wealth.”

Duration: Endless and uncomfortable until a new, approved topic could be introduced and/or the “offender” caught on to the rules of the game.

Result: To my amazement, I’m still invited! It’s probably the Ph.D. They can’t resist them in Massachusetts, although they are everywhere.

Mid century modern illustration of doctors at a black tie dinner party.
Setting: Washington, DC
Black-tie dinner party in a tony hotel with elite members of the medical profession, one of whom took umbrage (as they say in Wisconsin) with my asking him to explain the theoretical and ethical underpinnings of longitudinal research he and his colleagues had conducted on genetics and cancer.

Duration: About five minutes.

Result: Board members and the other diners at my table thought I’d been rude and not even vaguely interesting. I guess this event was more in the “sing and dance” category of dinner party etiquette. It certainly wasn’t a debate! The chair wanted me to resign from the board — and I did!

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